Today I am really feeling so free. I am finally actually getting to know myself on a whole other level. I really thought that by cutting my mom and 2 of my kids completely off that I would feel some kind of pain; but I didn't feel any pain at all- just relief! The pain I had already endured trying to make the relationships work, had already built me into a complete warrior, built to handle anything. The craziest part about it all is that they don't even realize that I'm gone. They in their minds think I am just mad and that I will be back eventually like I always am. Let's get one thing clear though- I have never been mad at them, it's hurt. Yes, I get pissed off because I don't tolerate the disrespect. I am passionate about my kids and my family. They are my complete world. I have never been good enough for my mom! So, when I turned 50 years old, I was done trying. Funny my mom and my 2 children always blame me for everything that ever goes wrong, I'm the problem, so I said "if I am the problem then that is a simple fix" I'm gone. Period, point blank! That simple; right? Well for me my life is great! I am so happy, I do not have a toxic molecule around. NOTHING IN MY LIFE IS NEGATIVE IN ANY WAY! All positivity and love. All three of them still have the issues they been having. The only difference is that they can't blame me.
God whispered in my ear: Trust me, this isn't a punishment for you, It's a protection. I was, as I always am obedient. Trusting the process. Loving the journey. Protecting my peace! I have only the people who love me, the correct way in my life. I have 2 sons and a daughter- who show me every day that I am loved and that I am wanted, most importantly, I am appreciated!
I have been abused by my mom mentally, verbally, and physically. It created a monster inside of me. I was raised by wolves, so yes, I have a very animal, and crazy monster inside me. I am far from perfect; but I also never claimed to be. I take full accountability for any & all of my actions. You take it low and I take it to hell. I don't blame anyone for how I am. We can sit here all day and play the blame game, with who and what made me this way; but I choose not to. I chose to believe that God created me this way for my purpose. I am not a victim; I am a survivor.
Let me leave you with this for today:
A bear walks on all four legs, then when you poke the bear, it will raise up and attack. Don't poke the bear then play victim to what happens next; only you can prevent forest fires!
Love, Crystal Caine
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