I always lost the battles, but in the end I won the war!

       I remember when I used to really be effected by the fact that my mom never told me she loved me. I also remember one time my mom had surgery and she was still under anesthesia, she told me she loved me, sounds like a sweet moment, right? Well it was until she called me Darius, my oldest sons name. The one time my mom told me she loved me; and she wasn't even talking to me lol. Dam shame but I took it and ran with it because she had never told me those 3 little words that you wouldn't think you really needed, but you do! At least I did! In my moms defense though, her and my dad came from a different day and age. They were old school for real. My mom most definitely loves me and so does my dad, but they have a real f'd up way of showing it. I will admit I am a spoiled daddy's girl. My mom came from parents who never showed affection of love. So at some point I grew up and I stopped blaming my mom for not being like I wanted her to be, I started to except her for who she was, and I started to appreciate the little things about her that made her special. Once I did that I think I had a much better love and understanding for her, most definitely a new respect for her as well. I started to put myself in her shoes and try to see things from her eyes. My mom is amazing she just doesn't like me hahahaha. If that makes any sense. I believe that I am just too much like my dad and although they are still married they fight all the time too. Not to mention my mom doesn't talk as much as me, I can talk for hours, and I love to have fun and meet new people. My mom doesn't like to have company over or go out and meet new people. She has her beautiful ways too though don't get me wrong, I would never bash my mom I love her, she's my mom! Maybe in another lifetime we would be best friends but in this lifetime unfortunately she doesn't think anything more of me than A BITCH; she called me a B my whole life since I was super young I thought it was my first name. I use this word so much in my life now, it's just a regular word to me. All I know my mom raised me to be strong and I think I went through things that any child should never have to go through but at the same time I am far from soft in this cold world. I believe that is a lot of the problem between me and 3 of my kids because they too dam soft for me. So we always clash they think I am a horrible evil person, but I just don't tolerate any disrespect on any level and I don't know how to argue. Once we get to a certain level of loudness all I know is fight. I never been in arguments just fights. My mom used to beat me so much as a child how was I ever supposed to learn anything but hitting as a way to get your point across. I will say this though I wasn't a perfect mother, but I did accomplish breaking generational curses. I sacrificed my own relationships with my kids to do so. In my kids minds I left them but they just don't understand that with my mom in the way of me trying to be a mother, I had already lost. I had my first child at 17 years old, that my sound old but I was spoiled so at 17 I had the maturity level of a 10 year old. I remember being pregnant and my mom was driving we stopped at a red light and she turned to me and said "why don't you let me raise the baby, we can pay for you to leave and just leave the baby and never come back" I will never forget that moment, it really broke my heart. My mom always had a way of letting  me know she didn't want me. I've met people with no mother or a mother who gave them up for adoption and they always cry about it and say "it's hard growing up knowing that your own mother didn't want you" and I always respond "imagine growing up with a mother who doesn't want you!" All my kids ever saw was me and my mother's toxic relationship, we were so broken, I was so hateful and angry when she would try to talk to my kids in a way or treat them in a way that she used to treat me it triggered me. I would go off and to my kids it came from a crazy place because my mom did a good job of hiding behind her narcissistic ways. When I got older and I was alone with my mom one day just a couple of years ago I believe it was in 2022 I very sincerely apologized to my mom for everything I had ever said to her that hurt her or even just being disrespectful period, I told her " I really wanna apologize to you mom because all I ever wanted to do was stop the damage that had been done to me from spreading and make this family more loving and more of a unit" I never wanted my kids to not know love. Maybe I went about it the wrong way but I did the best I could at the level I was at. 

Peace, Love and Respect

Crystal Caine

Who, What, When, Where.... My Side Of The Story!

     I pray that by writing my blogs, perhaps my kids will one day get wind of these journals of mine, just maybe they can finally get a better understanding of who i am, what I've been through, a sense of what I was going through when they were treating me the worst especially when I was at my lowest, where I was and what I was doing when I wasn't with them growing up, and most importantly why I am the way I am. I really just want to tell my side of the story, not because I feel that it will change anything, because the damage is already done; but because I think that better than an apology is understanding. In my opinion I hate apologies because anyone can say I'm sorry and still continue the same behavior, but when someone can understand why you are the way you are and what makes you act or react the way you do, then maybe you can at least move forward and move on. Let me make myself very clear I love my kids with all my heart. I spent years trying to apologize and asking them to please get anything off your chest that you may have been holding in or just never got the chance to say, cause trust me I am what they say I am, I am not the easiest person to talk to sometimes. My temper is something that is short fused, not because I am a mean person, I've just been through a lot of shit. Too much for one person to go through in one lifetime. No excuse, but my parents didn't raise me to be soft, being abused verbally and physically made me hard. If you really know me then you know I am goofy and funny I'm always smiling, I do not wake up angry, I actually wake up hyper and ready to go. I do ballerina twirls through my house randomly and I make everyone laugh plus I have the most beautiful smile in the whole wide world; but I can also go 0-1,000 real quick. I do not tolerate any disrespect! My great grandmother God Rest Her Soul was full blooded Italian so maybe that's why my temper is so bad,  I don't know. I do that I tried to change for my kids, to become the loving and soft type. I went to my dr. and got on medication but the level of disrespect that I edured , was beyond tolerable. I tried to kill myself 7 times maybe more. Needless to say I finally had enough. I know that I wasn't the best mother, but I wasn't the worst either. I tried to rebuild relationships with my kids, to the point that it almost killed me. I became a drunk and on drugs to self medicate myself thought the pain and the guilt. That's another story for later. I will leave you with this.... My relationship with my kids is definitely getting better, except for my oldest son I do not think that relationship can be salvaged. 

TTYL,

Crystal Caine 

Today I start my healing journey!

     Today I made a very hard decision, to let go of anything that isn't for me or of the Lord. I had to sacrifice my relationship with my mom, my oldest son, and 3 of my grand kids. The decision didn't come easy, but it definitely was a long time coming. My mom whom I love to death, but for some strange reason she just doesn't like me. I have tried to make her happy, I have tried to be the best daughter I could be, but she just can't be pleased. My mom has done a lot for me, from beyond helping me raise my kids, to just always being there when I needed someone. There are so many things that I am blessed to have my mom for but there are also trauma situations that I have never healed from either. Nobody is perfect Lord knows that I am far from that, so I do not expect anyone to be perfect, but when there is no respect; It's just some situations that you need to just let go. I will most definitely share my story in the days to come, but right now I am just not quite ready to speak on it, in great detail, because I am drained. These past few days I have had to repeat myself to my family and my kids, and I would just love to take some time to appreciate my decision and to mourn my relationships that I have put to rest. I don't regret it and I am being reassured by God every second of everyday that He has his arms wrapped around me and that I am most definitely walking in his guided steps. I don't feel any anger or hatred towards anyone that I have cut off, but I do feel that these people are not going to go with me on my next journey. This year I will be turning 50 years young. This year is the begging of the last days of my life. So I unapologetically will be as selfish as I wanna be! 

       Cheers to leaving all the toxic people where they at,

                     Crystal Caine