I remember when I used to really be effected by the fact that my mom never told me she loved me. I also remember one time my mom had surgery and she was still under anesthesia, she told me she loved me, sounds like a sweet moment, right? Well it was until she called me Darius, my oldest sons name. The one time my mom told me she loved me; and she wasn't even talking to me lol. Dam shame but I took it and ran with it because she had never told me those 3 little words that you wouldn't think you really needed, but you do! At least I did! In my moms defense though, her and my dad came from a different day and age. They were old school for real. My mom most definitely loves me and so does my dad, but they have a real f'd up way of showing it. I will admit I am a spoiled daddy's girl. My mom came from parents who never showed affection of love. So at some point I grew up and I stopped blaming my mom for not being like I wanted her to be, I started to except her for who she was, and I started to appreciate the little things about her that made her special. Once I did that I think I had a much better love and understanding for her, most definitely a new respect for her as well. I started to put myself in her shoes and try to see things from her eyes. My mom is amazing she just doesn't like me hahahaha. If that makes any sense. I believe that I am just too much like my dad and although they are still married they fight all the time too. Not to mention my mom doesn't talk as much as me, I can talk for hours, and I love to have fun and meet new people. My mom doesn't like to have company over or go out and meet new people. She has her beautiful ways too though don't get me wrong, I would never bash my mom I love her, she's my mom! Maybe in another lifetime we would be best friends but in this lifetime unfortunately she doesn't think anything more of me than A BITCH; she called me a B my whole life since I was super young I thought it was my first name. I use this word so much in my life now, it's just a regular word to me. All I know my mom raised me to be strong and I think I went through things that any child should never have to go through but at the same time I am far from soft in this cold world. I believe that is a lot of the problem between me and 3 of my kids because they too dam soft for me. So we always clash they think I am a horrible evil person, but I just don't tolerate any disrespect on any level and I don't know how to argue. Once we get to a certain level of loudness all I know is fight. I never been in arguments just fights. My mom used to beat me so much as a child how was I ever supposed to learn anything but hitting as a way to get your point across. I will say this though I wasn't a perfect mother, but I did accomplish breaking generational curses. I sacrificed my own relationships with my kids to do so. In my kids minds I left them but they just don't understand that with my mom in the way of me trying to be a mother, I had already lost. I had my first child at 17 years old, that my sound old but I was spoiled so at 17 I had the maturity level of a 10 year old. I remember being pregnant and my mom was driving we stopped at a red light and she turned to me and said "why don't you let me raise the baby, we can pay for you to leave and just leave the baby and never come back" I will never forget that moment, it really broke my heart. My mom always had a way of letting me know she didn't want me. I've met people with no mother or a mother who gave them up for adoption and they always cry about it and say "it's hard growing up knowing that your own mother didn't want you" and I always respond "imagine growing up with a mother who doesn't want you!" All my kids ever saw was me and my mother's toxic relationship, we were so broken, I was so hateful and angry when she would try to talk to my kids in a way or treat them in a way that she used to treat me it triggered me. I would go off and to my kids it came from a crazy place because my mom did a good job of hiding behind her narcissistic ways. When I got older and I was alone with my mom one day just a couple of years ago I believe it was in 2022 I very sincerely apologized to my mom for everything I had ever said to her that hurt her or even just being disrespectful period, I told her " I really wanna apologize to you mom because all I ever wanted to do was stop the damage that had been done to me from spreading and make this family more loving and more of a unit" I never wanted my kids to not know love. Maybe I went about it the wrong way but I did the best I could at the level I was at.
Peace, Love and Respect
Crystal Caine
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