I pray that by writing my blogs, perhaps my kids will one day get wind of these journals of mine, just maybe they can finally get a better understanding of who i am, what I've been through, a sense of what I was going through when they were treating me the worst especially when I was at my lowest, where I was and what I was doing when I wasn't with them growing up, and most importantly why I am the way I am. I really just want to tell my side of the story, not because I feel that it will change anything, because the damage is already done; but because I think that better than an apology is understanding. In my opinion I hate apologies because anyone can say I'm sorry and still continue the same behavior, but when someone can understand why you are the way you are and what makes you act or react the way you do, then maybe you can at least move forward and move on. Let me make myself very clear I love my kids with all my heart. I spent years trying to apologize and asking them to please get anything off your chest that you may have been holding in or just never got the chance to say, cause trust me I am what they say I am, I am not the easiest person to talk to sometimes. My temper is something that is short fused, not because I am a mean person, I've just been through a lot of shit. Too much for one person to go through in one lifetime. No excuse, but my parents didn't raise me to be soft, being abused verbally and physically made me hard. If you really know me then you know I am goofy and funny I'm always smiling, I do not wake up angry, I actually wake up hyper and ready to go. I do ballerina twirls through my house randomly and I make everyone laugh plus I have the most beautiful smile in the whole wide world; but I can also go 0-1,000 real quick. I do not tolerate any disrespect! My great grandmother God Rest Her Soul was full blooded Italian so maybe that's why my temper is so bad, I don't know. I do that I tried to change for my kids, to become the loving and soft type. I went to my dr. and got on medication but the level of disrespect that I edured , was beyond tolerable. I tried to kill myself 7 times maybe more. Needless to say I finally had enough. I know that I wasn't the best mother, but I wasn't the worst either. I tried to rebuild relationships with my kids, to the point that it almost killed me. I became a drunk and on drugs to self medicate myself thought the pain and the guilt. That's another story for later. I will leave you with this.... My relationship with my kids is definitely getting better, except for my oldest son I do not think that relationship can be salvaged.
TTYL,
Crystal Caine
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