How To Let Them Go 101

         Today is the day the Lord has made, Let us rejoice and be glad in it! Psalm 118: 24

So today started off a little different because I woke up in peace. I can feel the toxic levels draining out of me. The past few weeks were difficult because even though I made my mind up that I was separating myself from anything and anyone who wasn't leading me to my purpose, it still took some work, to mentally reprogram my mindset. Today was actually the first day I felt like I had finally gained full clarity on what it is that God is actually trying to get me to understand. So I told you about my mom, this past weekend I tried to do something nice for her. I messed up and told her earlier this week what I wanted to do and again she found a way to sabotage it, per usual. She then proceeded to try and throw me under the bus like I was the problem (or lied basically). I called Friday 8 times no answer, no response, but her story is that I never sent it and I never called. Now I say all of that to say this, God's timing is perfect. Last night it was heavy on my mind but I have been learning to surrender everything to God. So I prayed on it and the answer I got blew my mind. I know my mom doesn't like me, I have always known that. She makes it painfully obvious every chance she gets. So God told me "it is not your job to heal her, and even though you are doing something nice out of love, she doesn't receive it" her spirit isn't open! I watched a YouTube video to look for answers and I will reference you to it "3 signs God is telling you to give up on someone" Steven Furtick Victory. What he spoke on that hit me was when he said "whatever door God opens for you no one can close, whatever door God closes no one can open" then he proceeded to say "Some of you have been trying to open a door that God has already closed" mannnn mannn mannn! So fast forward to this morning I woke up at 6 a.m. put it on another video because I could tell that God wanted to talk to me so this time it was "How to spot demons in family and friends" (smiling faces, hidden intensions) "the truth about toxic loved ones" Sarah Jakes Roberts. Then it was "Stop helping who God is trying to remove" (God's chosen you, Stop helping who God is trying to remove) Motivation Up channel. God told me that "all though I appreciate you loving and doing good things to be a good daughter, you are actually getting in the way of my work"! In the video he described how cutting someone off isn't to be mean, but by me always trying to bless the ungrateful who aren't deserving, I am taking away from blessing those who God wants me to bless who are deserving. Also that you reap what you sew, that God makes everyone "FRUITFUL" and if you sew you will reproduce fruit. Everyone can eat, but the lazy ones will starve, and by me always trying to do good to ungrateful people I am feeding people who should be starving instead of feeding someone who deserves to eat. When it's put like that it makes perfect sense, right? Right! My problem is that, THAT IS MY MOM, how do I just cut off my mom and still feel like I am obeying God when he also tells me to honor thy mother and father? Well the next part that came up said: By always doing things for someone who God is trying to tell you to stay away from, even though it is coming from a loving place, you are actually interfering with God's work on that person and that is being disobedient to God. Well Well Well, there you have it. That's all I needed to hear. 

It may seem like a punishment, but I know that God isn't punishing me and I am not trying to punish anyone that I love either. The separation isn't a punishment to me It is protection. I prayed for God to separate me from anything and anyone who isn't of him and I lost my oldest son and my youngest daughter. My mom has always been an issue, but I believe in her, I see the good in her. Tha's my MOM! Even as I cry right now in real life writing this to you, I LOVE MY MOM! For whatever reason unbeknown to me "she hates me" she always has. I am learning that when you are chosen by the higher spirit that evil people will always hate you for no reason. She is my criptonite. So it is over. I no longer from this day forward will have any future contact with my mother. I will pray for her everyday and I wish her the best. My New Life is so important. The work that God has in store for me I know that he needs me, all of me. So I have to sacrifice my relationship with my mother to be obedient to my work with God. I made a promise to God to do whatever he says and I do it with grace. It might not make sense all the way at the moment but my faith is so deep that I don't question God, whatever he says to do, I might just say are you sure? lol. But once I feel that "what'd did I say look" I just do it. It always makes sense right away or later. Either way I am just a soldier doing God's work, so it's not for my understanding. I hope that this helps someone. 

Love, 

Crystal Caine

Easter 2025 New Beginnings

 

                    So today I set my alarm for 10 a.m. but God had other plans for me. I was woken up by thunder at 7 a.m. something told me to turn on the morning service for a new church that was suggested to me. Crazy enough the service was just starting, so I was right on time. God's timing is perfect. First let me back up a few weeks ago to March 21, 2024; I woke up and took a shower. Unlike other days, today felt different. I got out the shower, got dressed, did my hair, put on something really nice, went to eat at an expensive restaurant ( Mudd Buggs Buda Tx. ) when I was waiting for my food, I started to feel out of place. My arms full of tattoos, tattoos on my neck, lol, people looking at me like I don't belong here; at least that's what a voice in my head was saying. I told myself "show them that you are more than what you look like you are" so when the waiter came I spook a little louder so they could here me order and ask questions about how they would be cooking certain items on the menu, not just with respect, but also with an educated mindset and passion for food. I could see that my communication skills, knowledge, etiquette, and my use of certain vocabulary words was quite impressive to them as if at that moment I was excepted into their circle. My food came a time later and I was eating the only way I knew how, but I noticed how the woman next to was eating with such grace and class. Now I have never wanted to be like anyone in my life, but at that moment I wanted to be more like her. She looked soft and classy, I was intrigued. It was at that moment that I wanted to elevate my game. Everything about was and is awesome, but something inside wanted to grow; wanted to rise up to such a higher level that even I wouldn't recognize myself anymore. So we left the restaurant and on the way home I told Kevin, I'm going to turn myself in. I don't think he was really feeling me because it was so random, I went alone to my bedroom and called the police on myself. When they came they took me to jail because I had a warrant that was 20 years old. Now fast forward to a few hours later when I finally made it to the holding tank, I was like WHAT DID I DO? Whyyyyyyyy on earth did I do this to myself? Just as I was about to get upset with that little voice in my head saying "YOUR SO STUPID" I was like OK GOD, what is it that you want me to hear? TALK TO ME, IT'S JUST ME AND YOU!!! Let's go, come on talk to me! It took me forever to really hear God but when I did. He said " Everytime I give you your wings, you let someone you love, cut them" I said, MAN THAT'S DEEP! So I was in jail for 5 days. On day one, I gave myself to God in such a way that I didn't even think twice about it. At that moment I felt relief come through my spirit and my body. My old life that I had been on my healing journey from, in my previous journals, WAS OVER! My life as I knew it, was dead. Long story short I didn't eat for 5 days and I barely drank any water, but every time my mind started racing (was my first excercise) I didn't have any of my medications for my mental health issues; I was just repeat over and over again "GOD Please control my thoughts" until it stopped. Day 2 at 9:30 p.m. I made it up to my housing unit, now I went in on Saturday afternoon and stayed in a tank by myself until 3 a.m. So it is now Sunday night, I was in ready to fight, cause come on now it's jail. I was ready, ready, lol. I walked in and the whole unit was reading out the Bible out loud. I went to my bunk I hadn't been to sleep in almost 2 days, I was tired, I had already started hallucinating a little bit, I was extremely dehydrated. I made one phone call before they cut the phones off, and went back to my bunk. Not knowing what to expect cause it's about to be cut off time. At 10 p.m. it was lights out. Quiet. I hear a loud voice say "They're four corners to my bed"... everyone repeats word for word. 

BUNK PRAYER

They're four corners to my bed

lay four angels at my head

Mathew, Mark, Luke, and John

Lord bless this bunk I rest upon

Angels to the East

Angels to the West

Lord bless our families 

as they rest.

I may not be where I want to be,

but thank God I'm not where I used to be.

Lord please forgive us for our sins.

In Jesus name I pray

Amen

Then we said one Hail Mary prayer.

I knew at that moment I was right where God wanted me at that moment at that precise time. God's timing is perfect. So that started the Begginings of my New Life. I got out and came home. I knew on day 5 that I was gonna walk knee deep in my purpose, with every promise that I made to God over the past few days. I killed my old life the moment that I went to jail. God gave me 5 days to mourn that life and to really process what that meant. With no distractions, I fasted for the first time, not meaning to just because that food was nasty I never eat when I'm in jail. Everything that I did over these past 5 days was all the new foundation for my new life. Every night I pray at 10 p.m. that same set of 2 prayers. No matter where I am or what i'm doing. I set my alarm at 10 p.m. when that alarm goes off I stop what i'm doing and I pray out loud, just like I did when I was born in that moment in jail. I fast 16:8. I got out and I logged off all social media. I just stayed talking to God for a month straight. I was transitioning, you know when you give birth to a new born, you take them home from the hospital, you keep them in the house for at least a month or two or even three. Only take the baby outside for Dr. appointments only. To protect them from germs and any dangerous things in the air, to give them a chance to let their little immune system to get stronger. That is what I did with myself. My New Life, I had to protect my energy and my spirit, while it was building up inside me. I meditated for 30 days, I practiced discipline. God told me to reach out to someone I trust dearly. I asked what does surrendering mean. She referred me to a church in Houston. I did my first Bible study that Wednesday, April 16, 2025. Now that is why today was so special and extremely divine. God's timing is perfect, He woke me up when he needed me to be up to hear what he needed to tell me. "This is the day that the Lord had made; let us rejoice and be glad in it" Psalm 118:24

I am Crystal Caine, please allow me to reintroduce myself.  

A Note To My Daughters....

 A Note To My Daughters

        Let me first start by apologizing for anything and everything that I did wrong, ever in your life. Being a parent does not come with a handbook. So it is all trial and error. Where I come from and how I was raised it wasn't from a loving place either so I didn't come with feelings or emotions that would have probably made me be a better mother off the top. In fact you all raised me all 5 of you. I write this letter to you 3 because you are my biggest accomplishment, while also being my biggest mistakes. The best thing I ever did in my life was make y'all from scratch. My biggest mistakes came from me not knowing how to be a mother. I was only 17 when I had your brother. Needless to say we all grew up together. I really wanted to go get myself together and come back and get y'all and I thought everything would be perfect then. My dreams were shattered because by the time I got myself together you were already very comfortable with where you were at; that thought never crossed my mind. I know now and my explanation to you all is, there is a very small window that you are given in your kids life to be a good mother or father, and when that window closes it's over and you can never get that chance back. When you were born I had dropped out of high school, never went to prom, and I didn't have any job skills, so I did what most woman in my situation do I started stripping. I was selling drugs way before you were born, I was most definitely raised in the streets by the streets; because when you can't get love from home and you don't have a good support system that shows you love and there is only physical abuse and verbal abuse, the streets always feel more like home. When it's hard to make your parents proud and all you long for is that "good job I'm so proud of you" that you never get no matter how hard you try or how good you do, it's really easy to get trapped in the street life. I developed the skills I needed to survive in the streets from all the anger I had built up from home. It was easy to make a name for myself cause I didn't take shit from no one. See you don't know what it's like to have to crawl out of the a muddy sink hole because I sacrificed myself and my life to make sure that you didn't have to. I am extremely proud of you for every thing that you have accomplished; each and every one of you has made a life that I could only dream of for yourselves and by yourselves. You raised me. I didn't raise you because we grew up together. I love you with all my heart. I love that I had the type of parents that spoiled me but it also hindered me. That's why I spoiled ya'll but I also was honest with y'all about my mistakes as embarrassing as my past was I was never ashamed to tell you about it. My thought was that I wanted you to learn from my mistakes. Especially since I was still making so many of them. This year I turn 50 years old and I think I am just now understanding everything, making peace with my position and most definitely putting my energy into being a much better moo-moo then I was a mother. 

To be continued. 

Love MOM

I always lost the battles, but in the end I won the war!

       I remember when I used to really be effected by the fact that my mom never told me she loved me. I also remember one time my mom had surgery and she was still under anesthesia, she told me she loved me, sounds like a sweet moment, right? Well it was until she called me Darius, my oldest sons name. The one time my mom told me she loved me; and she wasn't even talking to me lol. Dam shame but I took it and ran with it because she had never told me those 3 little words that you wouldn't think you really needed, but you do! At least I did! In my moms defense though, her and my dad came from a different day and age. They were old school for real. My mom most definitely loves me and so does my dad, but they have a real f'd up way of showing it. I will admit I am a spoiled daddy's girl. My mom came from parents who never showed affection of love. So at some point I grew up and I stopped blaming my mom for not being like I wanted her to be, I started to except her for who she was, and I started to appreciate the little things about her that made her special. Once I did that I think I had a much better love and understanding for her, most definitely a new respect for her as well. I started to put myself in her shoes and try to see things from her eyes. My mom is amazing she just doesn't like me hahahaha. If that makes any sense. I believe that I am just too much like my dad and although they are still married they fight all the time too. Not to mention my mom doesn't talk as much as me, I can talk for hours, and I love to have fun and meet new people. My mom doesn't like to have company over or go out and meet new people. She has her beautiful ways too though don't get me wrong, I would never bash my mom I love her, she's my mom! Maybe in another lifetime we would be best friends but in this lifetime unfortunately she doesn't think anything more of me than A BITCH; she called me a B my whole life since I was super young I thought it was my first name. I use this word so much in my life now, it's just a regular word to me. All I know my mom raised me to be strong and I think I went through things that any child should never have to go through but at the same time I am far from soft in this cold world. I believe that is a lot of the problem between me and 3 of my kids because they too dam soft for me. So we always clash they think I am a horrible evil person, but I just don't tolerate any disrespect on any level and I don't know how to argue. Once we get to a certain level of loudness all I know is fight. I never been in arguments just fights. My mom used to beat me so much as a child how was I ever supposed to learn anything but hitting as a way to get your point across. I will say this though I wasn't a perfect mother, but I did accomplish breaking generational curses. I sacrificed my own relationships with my kids to do so. In my kids minds I left them but they just don't understand that with my mom in the way of me trying to be a mother, I had already lost. I had my first child at 17 years old, that my sound old but I was spoiled so at 17 I had the maturity level of a 10 year old. I remember being pregnant and my mom was driving we stopped at a red light and she turned to me and said "why don't you let me raise the baby, we can pay for you to leave and just leave the baby and never come back" I will never forget that moment, it really broke my heart. My mom always had a way of letting  me know she didn't want me. I've met people with no mother or a mother who gave them up for adoption and they always cry about it and say "it's hard growing up knowing that your own mother didn't want you" and I always respond "imagine growing up with a mother who doesn't want you!" All my kids ever saw was me and my mother's toxic relationship, we were so broken, I was so hateful and angry when she would try to talk to my kids in a way or treat them in a way that she used to treat me it triggered me. I would go off and to my kids it came from a crazy place because my mom did a good job of hiding behind her narcissistic ways. When I got older and I was alone with my mom one day just a couple of years ago I believe it was in 2022 I very sincerely apologized to my mom for everything I had ever said to her that hurt her or even just being disrespectful period, I told her " I really wanna apologize to you mom because all I ever wanted to do was stop the damage that had been done to me from spreading and make this family more loving and more of a unit" I never wanted my kids to not know love. Maybe I went about it the wrong way but I did the best I could at the level I was at. 

Peace, Love and Respect

Crystal Caine

Who, What, When, Where.... My Side Of The Story!

     I pray that by writing my blogs, perhaps my kids will one day get wind of these journals of mine, just maybe they can finally get a better understanding of who i am, what I've been through, a sense of what I was going through when they were treating me the worst especially when I was at my lowest, where I was and what I was doing when I wasn't with them growing up, and most importantly why I am the way I am. I really just want to tell my side of the story, not because I feel that it will change anything, because the damage is already done; but because I think that better than an apology is understanding. In my opinion I hate apologies because anyone can say I'm sorry and still continue the same behavior, but when someone can understand why you are the way you are and what makes you act or react the way you do, then maybe you can at least move forward and move on. Let me make myself very clear I love my kids with all my heart. I spent years trying to apologize and asking them to please get anything off your chest that you may have been holding in or just never got the chance to say, cause trust me I am what they say I am, I am not the easiest person to talk to sometimes. My temper is something that is short fused, not because I am a mean person, I've just been through a lot of shit. Too much for one person to go through in one lifetime. No excuse, but my parents didn't raise me to be soft, being abused verbally and physically made me hard. If you really know me then you know I am goofy and funny I'm always smiling, I do not wake up angry, I actually wake up hyper and ready to go. I do ballerina twirls through my house randomly and I make everyone laugh plus I have the most beautiful smile in the whole wide world; but I can also go 0-1,000 real quick. I do not tolerate any disrespect! My great grandmother God Rest Her Soul was full blooded Italian so maybe that's why my temper is so bad,  I don't know. I do that I tried to change for my kids, to become the loving and soft type. I went to my dr. and got on medication but the level of disrespect that I edured , was beyond tolerable. I tried to kill myself 7 times maybe more. Needless to say I finally had enough. I know that I wasn't the best mother, but I wasn't the worst either. I tried to rebuild relationships with my kids, to the point that it almost killed me. I became a drunk and on drugs to self medicate myself thought the pain and the guilt. That's another story for later. I will leave you with this.... My relationship with my kids is definitely getting better, except for my oldest son I do not think that relationship can be salvaged. 

TTYL,

Crystal Caine 

Today I start my healing journey!

     Today I made a very hard decision, to let go of anything that isn't for me or of the Lord. I had to sacrifice my relationship with my mom, my oldest son, and 3 of my grand kids. The decision didn't come easy, but it definitely was a long time coming. My mom whom I love to death, but for some strange reason she just doesn't like me. I have tried to make her happy, I have tried to be the best daughter I could be, but she just can't be pleased. My mom has done a lot for me, from beyond helping me raise my kids, to just always being there when I needed someone. There are so many things that I am blessed to have my mom for but there are also trauma situations that I have never healed from either. Nobody is perfect Lord knows that I am far from that, so I do not expect anyone to be perfect, but when there is no respect; It's just some situations that you need to just let go. I will most definitely share my story in the days to come, but right now I am just not quite ready to speak on it, in great detail, because I am drained. These past few days I have had to repeat myself to my family and my kids, and I would just love to take some time to appreciate my decision and to mourn my relationships that I have put to rest. I don't regret it and I am being reassured by God every second of everyday that He has his arms wrapped around me and that I am most definitely walking in his guided steps. I don't feel any anger or hatred towards anyone that I have cut off, but I do feel that these people are not going to go with me on my next journey. This year I will be turning 50 years young. This year is the begging of the last days of my life. So I unapologetically will be as selfish as I wanna be! 

       Cheers to leaving all the toxic people where they at,

                     Crystal Caine 

My mental health issues

 I have always had a problem with my anxiety. Since a child. I am now 48 years old and instead of it getting better it seems that it is getting worse. When I'm driving I have panic attacks out of nowhere. You can imagine it is horrible! Then along with my lovely anxiety comes depression, bipolar depression and ptsd. I have been in numerous abusive relationships. Some where i was the abuser and some where i was abused. I have dealt with abuse my whole life. Mental abuse, Verbal abuse, and Physical abuse. Now because of everything i have been through; I have horrible PTSD, nightmares, along with sleep disorders. I have a phobia of windows. I think that is the worst at night.  At night i get so stressed that if i go into anxiety attacks I will literally bite my finger tips until they bleed. Crazy! Right? Yea i feel the same way but at the time it is just something I can't control or even realize that I am doing. I have nerve damage in my legs, from a car accident I was in, in 2004. So some days at random times I can't walk. I literally am paralyzed from the waist down. It is extremely painful. That pain never goes away.

Just a little bit about what i feel and deal with everyday. Having mental health issues are so real. Everyday you never know what you will be dealing with but it is always something. That's why people with mental health issues are the strongest people in the world!